My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
