Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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