Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
