Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
