So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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