my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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