I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
