I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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