His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
