For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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