I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blood and glitter go together right?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize