im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
