I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
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