Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
