I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
