So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You don't make any sense
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