It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
