She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
