I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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