If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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