new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You left your phone here
Wait...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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