Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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