I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
