My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Is this like a preordered booty call?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
