don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
