Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
