Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My penis needs a shock collar
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
