that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
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i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
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Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
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