Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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