I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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