well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
