Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
