Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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