you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
