sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
