What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
