i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
even my farts smell like vagina
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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