hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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