I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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