I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
