North Korea, Best Korea!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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