miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
