I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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