I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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