He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
