yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
