my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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