I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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