everyone is single if you try hard enough
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
