don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
