There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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