I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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