He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
