yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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