I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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